So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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