bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
