Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
