a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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