the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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