so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
The air was thick with penises
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
