I haven't been this sober since birth.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
