WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
