Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
