I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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