Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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