i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
