don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
