i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
