Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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