My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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