Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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