I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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