you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Is Oprah even human
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Randomize
