just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
