does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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