Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
