I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
