Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
