"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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