if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
