last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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