I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
