Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
