Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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