I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
