He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
it glows. i had to have it.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
