I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Randomize
