Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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