so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
