my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
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