How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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