Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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