i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Randomize
