As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
