If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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