Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
