By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
