I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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