I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
