You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
