Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
