dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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