OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
