it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
