Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
