My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
