i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
All I want is dick and wine.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
